Category Archives: Family

Children, Father / Yahweh, Parenting

Honor Your Father and Mother and Things Will Go Well for You

People generally accept that children should obey their parents as an expectation of a healthy family dynamic. There are easy-to-recognize reasons for this such as children not being able to take care of themselves in even basic ways. They do not recognize hazards like running in the street, etc.

The Bible supports this instruction for children but also adds more depth to it and direction for us fathers as well in Ephesians 6:1-4.

6 Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord,[a] for this is the right thing to do. 2 “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: 3 If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.”[b]

4 Fathers,[c] do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

These instructions are repeated again in Colossians 3.

20 Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged.

It is critical for us to bring our children up in the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. To challenge them without aggravating them to the point of being discouraged and feeling inadequate. This scripture is a good reminder for us that we need to pay attention to the cues from our children on how they react to our instruction. Each child is different and needs a different style of parenting. We need to adjust our parenting approach to fit each child, not force each child to adjust to our parenting approach.

Give thanks to God that He provides such a great example to us of what it means to be a father and show that kind of love to us so we can in turn show it to our children.

Shalom. May the grace and peace of our Lord, Yeshua, be with you. Devotion by John in service to Christ

Do you know for sure if you will go to heaven or hell when you die? Are you experiencing in your life the peace and joy of a personal relationship with our Creator and Father? Learn more about salvation through The Message of the Cross.

Am I on the path?, Marriage

Husband and Wife… Different Positions on the Same Team

Sports teams require a coach and multiple players each skilled and focused on playing their own position. Coaches are responsible for understanding the overall strategy and giving direction to their players on how to work together effectively as a team. Each player is chosen for their position based on their individual skills, which need to match the position they play. Even if some have the ability to play both positions well, they can only play one well at a time. When players work against the coach’s strategy or try to play someone else’s position, the team dynamics break down and teams fail to perform at their peak.

God is like our coach. A husband and wife each have a role to play to fulfill God’s strategy. It is best to understand what direction God is giving us rather than trying to do it our own way.

Ephesians 5:21-33

21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

25 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.[b] 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”[c] 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Many stumble on God’s instructions for wives to submit to their husbands. Some think that this means the husband is accountable to no one and can demand anything. Others think it means that the wife is inferior to the husband. Far from it. Both husband and wife are equally important. The husband is accountable to God.

A husband is called to love his wife as Christ loves the church. There is no greater love than this. To lay down his life for her. God’s strategy works phenomenally well when both husband and wife obey God’s instruction. It works poorly  when husband and wife fail to work together as  a team or fail to follow God’s instructions.

Spend a few minutes in prayer to give God thanks for your spouse and for His design for marriage. Ask Him to grant you wisdom and understanding of His design marriage and how to apply it in your life.

Shalom. May the grace and peace of our Lord, Yeshua, be with you. Devotion by John in service to Christ

Do you know for sure if you will go to heaven or hell when you die? Are you experiencing in your life the peace and joy of a personal relationship with our Creator and Father? Learn more about salvation through The Message of the Cross.

Church / Body of Christ, Father / Yahweh, Jesus Christ / Yeshua, Marriage

God, Christ, Man, Woman… and the Christian order

1 Corinthians 11 is one of those scriptures which can create confusion and distraction. To begin, Paul lays out the order… God is the head of Christ, Christ is the head of man, and man is the head of woman. This is the Christian order of authority in the home and society. For followers of Christ, there should be little controversy here, though today many wish to disrupt the order by reducing the role and authority of God, Christ, and man. Thus everyone is left to go their own way. The order is important… each household must have one lead. Those leaders must submit to Christ and Christ submits to the Father. Only then do we have unified families submitted to the Father going according the way God intended.

The part that gets confusing to many today involves the discussion of head covering. Head coverings for women in the context of the Corinthian church were a man made tradition that symbolized there submission and accountability to man. Men then did not wear a head covering because they were not accountable to man (e.g. not to a pope or other pastor) but rather directly accountable to Christ. My understanding for Paul’s discussion on this topic is that he was reinforcing the Christian order of authority, rather than commanding women to wear head coverings. Since there was a Corinthian custom regarding head coverings that symbolized this order and reminded people of it, he suggested the Corinthians should not fight or rebel against this tradition. It reinforced the proper order. In that cultural context, for a woman to reject the head covering would be akin to rejecting the Christian order.

Our culture has different customs, such as a wife taking on the last name of her husband when they marry. Similarly, for our culture, a woman should not resist submission to the authority of her husband, lest it create competition and infighting in their marriage, weakening it. Their can not be two head coaches for a team. There can not be two presidents to lead one nation or two governors to lead the same state. Similarly, a household can not flourish if there are two heads constantly competing with one another for authority.

If you want a more detailed study, one is available at Psalm119 ministries at 119Ministries.com.

1 Corinthians 11:1-16

Christian Order

      1Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.

      2Now I praise you because you remember me in everything and hold firmly to the traditions, just as I delivered them to you. 3But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ. 4Every man who has something on his head while praying or prophesying disgraces his head. 5But every woman who has her head uncovered while praying or prophesying disgraces her head, for she is one and the same as the woman whose head is shaved. 6For if a woman does not cover her head, let her also have her hair cut off; but if it is disgraceful for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, let her cover her head. 7For a man ought not to have his head covered, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. 8For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man; 9for indeed man was not created for the woman’s sake, but woman for the man’s sake. 10Therefore the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels. 11However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. 12For as the woman originates from the man, so also the man has his birth through the woman; and all things originate from God. 13Judge for yourselves: is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? 14Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a dishonor to him, 15but if a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her? For her hair is given to her for a covering. 16But if one is inclined to be contentious, we have no other practice, nor have the churches of God.

Men, submit to Christ as He submitted to the Father. This is a tall task and not to be underestimated. If we do this, it certainly helps our wives to submit to us. Wives, submit to your husbands. Let us function as one team with one authority structure working in harmony. Of course, there are always exceptions… if your husband is asking you to do something immoral or against God the situation gets more complicated for that specific issue. However, don’t let the exceptions be an excuse for denying the fundamental order of authority God has established.

Spend some quiet time in prayer, asking God to provide clarity and listening to any prompting from the  Holy Spirit. Are you embracing the Christian order or resisting it? Men, are you submitted to Christ? Women, are you submitted to your husbands? All of us should ask if there are there any changes we need to make?

Shalom. May the grace and peace of our Lord, Yeshua, be with you. Devotion by John in service to Christ

Do you know for sure if you will go to heaven or hell when you die? Are you experiencing in your life the peace and joy of a personal relationship with our Creator and Father? Learn more about salvation through The Message of the Cross.

Discerning / Judging, Marriage, Purposeful / Intentional, Seeking God, Submitted / Servant

Matters of Opinion and Priorities

I find 1 Corinthians 7 to be a very interesting passage in scripture. Paul is well known by followers of Christ for thousands of years now for his complete devotion to Christ and willingness to suffer joyfully for Christ. He had what might be called a gift of singleness. He was able to more fully devote himself toward God without the distraction or division of his interests between a spouse and God. For him, this did not draw him into sexual sin. However, even as he shares this consideration and how it may be a right and good choice for others, he is careful and clear that it is not for all. Many are better suited to marry and serve God from within that marriage.

What is clear in this passage, but often overlooked, is that when we marry we should absolutely expect to be putting a significant amount of our focus on our spouse and our marriage. Marriage has to be a primary focus to do it right. Your spouse has to be second only to God in your priorities.

1 Corinthians 7:25-40

      25Now concerning virgins I have no command of the Lord, but I give an opinion as one who by the mercy of the Lord is trustworthy. 26I think then that this is good in view of the present distress, that it is good for a man to remain as he is. 27Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife. 28But if you marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. Yet such will have trouble in this life, and I am trying to spare you. 29But this I say, brethren, the time has been shortened, so that from now on those who have wives should be as though they had none; 30and those who weep, as though they did not weep; and those who rejoice, as though they did not rejoice; and those who buy, as though they did not possess; 31and those who use the world, as though they did not make full use of it; for the form of this world is passing away.

      32But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; 33but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, 34and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 35This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.

      36But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his virgin daughter, if she is past her youth, and if it must be so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin; let her marry. 37But he who stands firm in his heart, being under no constraint, but has authority over his own will, and has decided this in his own heart, to keep his own virgin daughter, he will do well. 38So then both he who gives his own virgin daughter in marriage does well, and he who does not give her in marriage will do better.

      39A wife is bound as long as her husband lives; but if her husband is dead, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord. 40But in my opinion she is happier if she remains as she is; and I think that I also have the Spirit of God.

Take note of how carefully Paul identifies up front that this is his opinion rather than a command from the Lord.  In this case, Paul expresses the positive aspects he sees for those who have the gift of singleness remaining unmarried.  Those of us who follow Christ do well to clearly differentiate God’s commands from our views as Paul did. There are many things that are not absolute such as in Paul’s reference to whether or not someone should marry. These should not be confused with those things for which God has clearly spoken and are absolute.

Reflect prayerfully on your interactions with others. Do you clearly differentiate your opinion and preferences from what is absolute right and wrong as instructed by God? Ask for God’s help to clarify this area for you to help you in your own life choices and also in effectively engaging and supporting other believers or non-believers on key issues. If we are not careful, opinions can drive division in the body of Christ where there should otherwise be unity.

Also, take time in prayer to reflect on the balance and priority you have in your life. If you are single, are you primarily focused on God and how to serve Him? If you are married, are you focusing on God and also on your spouse as priorities in your life? Ask God to show you if you are out of balance and need to make changes.

Shalom. May the grace and peace of our Lord, Yeshua, be with you. Devotion by John in service to Christ

Do you know for sure if you will go to heaven or hell when you die? Are you experiencing in your life the peace and joy of a personal relationship with our Creator and Father? Learn more about salvation through The Message of the Cross.

Children, Divorce, Marriage, Parenting

Advice for a Follower of Christ Who Is Married to an Unbeliever

I appreciate how Paul clearly identifies when it is his opinion or recommendation rather than instruction directly from the Lord. He provides some specific suggestions for how a believer should handle themselves if they are married to an unbeliever. First, let us be clear that a believer should not marry an unbeliever. That is not what Paul is commenting on.

2 Corinthians 6:14-15

    14Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?

However, if in marriage, one spouse converts and submits to Christ as Lord, and the other does not, they can find themselves in this situation.

1 Corinthians 7:12-15

      12But to the rest I say, not the Lord, that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And a woman who has an unbelieving husband, and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away. 14For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband; for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy. 15Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace. 16For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

Do not take this out of context to conclude that you should encourage your unbelieving spouse to leave. You should not. You should work at your marriage as unto God. You should try to keep your marriage together. That is the primary goal Paul speaks to first. Consider also 1 Peter 3:1-2.

1 Pet 3:1-2

   1In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.

I think this largely applies to husbands who have wives who are disobedient to the word as well, in that the husbands should demonstrate the godly role of the husband as defined by God.  A key is that you still live for God and put Him first. I think that is the point Paul is making. If your unbelieving spouse insists on leaving because you follow and obey Yeshua, then you can not stop following just so they will stay.

The spouse who has submitted to Jesus as Lord is to live to a different standard than the non-believer. Marriage is to be holy before God. It is to be set apart and done His way. While it is Paul, and not God speaking in this passage, he certainly has a lot of credibility in how to live in a way that is pleasing to God. If you find yourself as a believer married to a non-believer, consider Paul’s words carefully and pray that the Father would help you have the wisdom, courage, and patience to endure the situation. Pray the Holy Spirit will fill you and guide you for it is difficult for any believer to face… so don’t face it alone.

Take some time and ask God to help you in this situation if it applies to you. If it applies to someone you know, please take time to pray for them. If it does not apply to you, you can also give thanks to God that you and your spouse are both pursuing Christ and ask Him to draw you even closer.

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Have you submitted your life to Jesus Christ? Are you living today filled with the peace and joy of truly knowing and following Jesus Christ? Learn more about salvation through The Message of the Cross.

Adultery / Sex Outside Marriage, Marriage, Self Control

Sex Is a Gift in the Context of Marriage

The sexual drive in men and women is given by God as part of who we are. Paul commented specifically in this regard in 1 Corinthians 7. It is good for a man or woman to be single and focused on God rather than married if that is their personal gifting from God. It will allow them to serve Him in a more focused way. However, God makes each of us different. For many, the drive for sex is wonderful inside the gift of marriage, but if they try to remain single, that same gift will instead lead to great temptation and potentially to immoral behavior.

Inside marriage, we must use this gift well as a way of bonding with our spouse. Sex or withholding of sex is not to be used as a “weapon” to get one’s own way or win an argument. This is plainly wrong. Marriages are strongest when sex is used to serve and bond with one another.  Truly this helps two become one as God intends.

Once married, we should not divorce. It has always been God’s plan to have one man and one woman together in marriage. We are to choose carefully and prayerfully and then focus all our effort on serving each other and building / maintaining a strong marriage.

1 Corinthians 7:1-11

Teaching on Marriage

      1Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. 3The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6But this I say by way of concession, not of command. 7Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each man has his own gift from God, one in this manner, and another in that.

      8But I say to the unmarried and to widows that it is good for them if they remain even as I. 9But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

      10But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband 11(but if she does leave, she must remain unmarried, or else be reconciled to her husband), and that the husband should not divorce his wife.

Take care not to overlook the Biblical view on sex drive. It can be a powerful bonding in strengthening a marriage. It is a gift from God and not something to be scorned or mocked. But it is also not something to be abused by using it outside of marriage.

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Have you submitted your life to Jesus Christ? Are you living today with the peace and joy of truly knowing and following Jesus Christ? Learn more about salvation through The Message of the Cross.

Marriage

Resources to Help Marriages

Periodically we post information intended to introduce our community to different parts of the website that they may find useful.  Links are provided for your convenience, or you can just visit the site directly at www.HearingFromJesus.org and look around on your own.

Today’s highlight is the section of our site that identifies a solid starting point for those that want to invest in improving their marriage. If you are experiencing difficulty in marriage, do not ignore it or accept it. Seek help in God and in His word. Even if there is no conflict in your marriage (that would be amazing), consider investing time anyway to continue building a solid foundation for the storms in life.  Even good marriages can benefit and more toward “great”. Think of it like an oil change for your car. You should not wait until the car has engine problems to change the oil!

I also strongly encourage you to actively prepare your children about expectations in marriage. Lead and prepare them for a godly marriage and how to relate rather than let the world lead them to believe in a “fairy tale” marriage where everything is always great and there are no conflicts, and everyone lives happily ever after.

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Marriage

The marriage covenant is the most sacred covenant we enter with the exception of our covenant with God. Our world today provides much distraction and false teaching about marriage.

Even amongst Christian communities and families, there is often little or no Biblical teaching to help guide how we should select a spouse and prepare us to live a godly marriage.

The most important principle to focus on is that we should each try to grow closer to God, and by doing so we will also grow closer to each other.

Seeking a godly spouse:

  • Study the Bible to understand what character traits to develop in yourself and look for in a spouse.
  • Become the godly example of a person that you want to find in a spouse. Continue maturing in your personal relationship with Jesus Christ and live as a godly example in your life.
  • Take your time in selecting your spouse. Ensure you know them well and share a similar depth of faith in Jesus Christ.
  • Pray for God to give you confirmation of whom you should marry and then make sure what you hear is from God by seeking godly counsel and comparing it to God’s word.

Growing a godly marriage relationship:

  • Study the Bible independently to continue your personal growth in your relationship with God.
  • Maintain an active prayer life between yourself and God. It should be two-way communication.
  • Spend time together with your spouse daily (or as often as you can) studying and applying the word of God to your lives
  • Spend time in prayer together with your spouse daily.
  • Invest in your marriage relationship before you have difficulty. Seek resources (e.g. books, conferences, online ministries, etc.) that can help you grow closer to your spouse over time. Do not wait until the relationship is struggling to work on improving it.
  • Seek out and partner with another godly married couple you respect and trust that knows Jesus. You can serve as accountability and prayer partners for each other before God.

I have started a list of some good resources that provide practical help for growing in our marriage. Is there a resource you have found that helped you? Please share with us from the Contact Us page.

Find more support under our Ministries section of the site, under the Focused Ministries – Marriage page.

Books and Other Resources

  • Solid Rock Marriage Restoration provides insights based on biblical truth and practical application to help Christians ages 25-55 restore and revitalize their marriage.  Join the Facebook group.
  • For Men Only and For Women Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn reveal eye-opening truths and simple acts that will improve your relationship with your spouse.
  • The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman shows us how to keep our marriage relationship fresh and growing amid the demands and conflicts and just plain boredom of everyday life.
  • The Love Dare personally leads you through daily devotionals, records your thoughts and experiences, and ends each day daring you to perform a simple act of love for your spouse.
  • TimeWarpWife.com  was born from a real-life example of a marriage that could have ended in a wreck, but through grace has blossomed into a ministry serving God.
  • Also consider reviewing other articles previously posted regarding marriage from our category “marriage”.

Take a few minutes today to pray about your marriage and/or marriages of others close to you, that they would be blessed and strong and joyful. Let each marriage bring glory to Yahweh!

Shalom

Devotion by John in service to Christ

Do you know for sure if you will go to heaven or hell when you die? Are you experiencing in your life the peace and joy of a personal relationship with our Creator and Father? Learn more about salvation through The Message of the Cross.

Marriage

Closing Thoughts for Marriage Bible Study

This is the final part of a 9-part series I am sharing from Bible.org (Link to Foundation 8: Intimacy in Marriage).

Walking through this series with your spouse or future spouse will bring you closer together in understanding one another and God’s intent for marriage.

—Link to Bible.org: 9. Closing Thoughts for Marriage Bible Study | Bible.org

—Link to PDF: 9. Closing Thoughts _ Bible.org

Congratulations on finishing Building Foundations for a Godly Marriage curriculum! I would like to leave you with a few closing thoughts. In Deuteronomy 24:5, God called for soldiers to not go to war during their first year of marriage. He said:

If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.

In this, a clear principle is established showing how important the first year of marriage is. Statistics support this; one of the highest years of divorce is the first year. Everything will be new, and in this year, you will build habits that will sustain or hurt you for the rest of your marriage. Therefore, it is important to be very intentional within your first year.

As shared earlier in the book, one marriage guru said that couples should not watch any TV within the first year of marriage to focus on one another. Though this may be an overstatement, the basic principle behind this statement is true. Couples need to develop a pattern of focus within the first year that will continue throughout the marriage.

For example, in my first year of marriage, my wife and I decided that she would not work full-time and I stopped pursuing further education, so we could focus on one another. Plus, we had a brief courtship, so getting to know one another was even more important for us.

Couples should be very careful about taking on extra tasks in the first year that will keep them away from one another. They should spend as much quality time together as possible, building a foundation for a long and healthy marriage.

Another principle that I will leave you with is the importance of having a mentor or a mentor couple. Think of a strong Christian married couple who would serve as good mentors. You could meet together once a month, pray together, do a Bible study together, or simply secure the right to call them for godly advice and invite them to check in on you throughout the marriage.

There is support for this in Paul’s call for older women to mentor younger women. In Titus 2:3-5, Paul says this:

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

For a new job, we go through training. How much more do we need continual training in marriage? You will find mentorship invaluable for your future, and one day you will pass on the wisdom you gained to another couple. May God richly bless and strengthen your marriage.

I invite you to pray with me:

Father, thank You for Your word that leads and guides us. Thank You for leaders who help to share Your word such as the man who authored this marriage series. I pray You would give wisdom, love, kindness, compassion, and selflessness to Your people in the area of marriage.  May Christian marriages bloom and flourish joyfully and be set apart and holy, clearly distinguished from those relationships based on the ways of men and culture around us. May it bring joy to Your people and glory to Your name. Amen. 

 Shalom

Devotion by John in service to Christ

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Do you know for sure if you will go to heaven or hell when you die? Are you experiencing in your life the peace and joy of a personal relationship with our Creator and Father? Learn more about salvation through The Message of the Cross.

Marriage

Foundation 8: Intimacy in Marriage

This is part 8 of a 9-part series I am sharing from Bible.org (Link to Foundation 7: Financial Faithfulness in Marriage).

Walking through this series with your spouse or future spouse will bring you closer together in understanding one another and God’s intent for marriage.

—Link to Bible.org: 8. Intimacy in Marriage | Bible.org

—Link to PDF: 8. Foundation Eight_ Intimacy in Marriage _ Bible.org

How should couples develop intimacy in marriage?

Marriage should be the most intimate relationship anybody experiences in life. It should be more intimate than a friendship, a mother-daughter relationship, a father-son relationship, a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, etc. But sadly, many couples often feel distant and alone in marriage.

Because man is body, soul, and spirit (cf. 1 Thess 5:23, Heb 4:12), married couples must cultivate each aspect of their being in order to develop intimacy. They must cultivate their friendship (soul), their sexuality (body), and their spirituality (spirit) in marriage. If one aspect of this tri-unity is missing, couples will lack the intimacy God desires. Therefore, all three must be continually cultivated.

How should married couples develop these three aspects of intimacy?

Intimacy in Friendship

As we consider developing intimacy in friendship, we must consider Christ and his friendship with the church. Jesus said this in John 15:15:

I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

What makes the difference between being Christ’s servant and his friend? It was the fact that Christ shared everything with his friends. As the church, we are both Christ’s bride (cf. Eph 5:23-27) and his friend. He has taught us his secrets, things that the world will not and cannot understand (1 Cor 2:14). Through his Word and the Holy Spirit, he has taught us truths about salvation, mankind, creation, angels and demons, and the future. As the church, we are Christ’s friends, and every day we have the privilege to grow in intimacy with him through studying his Word and speaking with him in prayer.

Similarly, this practice of communing through sharing one’s life, thoughts, fears, and concerns will cultivate a married couple’s friendship and therefore intimacy. Certainly, there is a need for discipline in this area. As life gets busy with work, managing the household, raising children, church, hobbies, etc., there will be many things (some good things) that can distract from cultivating the friendship.

Likewise, this often happens in our relationship with God. Remember the story of Mary and Martha? Martha was busy serving, while Mary quietly sat at Jesus’ feet. In the same way, we often get busy with good things, which can cause us to neglect our relationship with God. This can also happen with our spouse, causing not only a lack of intimacy but discord in marriage.

What disciplines can couples practice to cultivate their friendship?

1. Couples should practice setting aside a period of time every day for sharing and listening to cultivate their friendship.

Activities are good, but intimate sharing should be maximized when couples are together. For most, evenings will be the best time for this, after work and other endeavors are completed.

Personally, my wife and I always try to leave the last hour or more of the evening for sharing and prayer. We may have family time before that where we eat dinner, talk, watch a TV show together with our daughter, etc., but with the last part of the evening, we want to focus on one another.

As a couple has more children, it becomes even harder to allot time for intimate sharing, but it is still just as important. I heard one pastor’s wife, who had five children, share that in their home, the children had to be in their rooms by eight pm. She would commonly tell their kids after eight pm, “I am no longer Mom but my husband’s wife.” That’s how they managed a busy home and yet kept intimacy. It also demonstrated to the kids the priority of the marriage relationship.

2. Couples should be careful of intimacy killers to focus on cultivating their friendship.

In considering the importance of time alone, one should be aware of intimacy killers. Though I mentioned watching TV with my wife, I am aware that this does not create genuine intimacy, but commonly distracts from it. Often watching TV, being on the Internet, playing video games, being on the phone, etc., can be ways of distracting from or avoiding intimacy.

One marital counseling book my wife and I read early on in marriage encouraged couples to not turn on the TV for the first year of marriage. The first year of marriage is foundational for the rest of marriage. In the Old Testament, a soldier was not allowed to go to war during the first year of marriage. He was to stay home and bring his wife happiness (Deut 24:5). It is within the first year of marriage that patterns are established, both healthy and unhealthy ones. If a couple establishes early patterns of primarily watching and doing instead of being and sharing, it may reap hazardous dividends later in marriage. It is not uncommon for couples to say after years of marriage, “We realized that we really didn’t know one another.” It is very possible these couples established unhealthy patterns early in marriage of being distracted by intimacy killers, which kept them from ever truly knowing one another.

This is good to consider about marriage and especially one’s first year, which establishes a foundation for the rest of marriage. Do you want to have a marriage where your mate comes home, kisses you on the cheek, and then gets on the Internet, TV, or phone for three hours before bed? It is good to beware of these tendencies which can potentially hurt couples. Protect yourself from intimacy killers; block out daily time to focus on sharing, listening, and being together.

3. Couples should enjoy activities together to cultivate their friendship.

With all that said, balance is needed in marriage. Couples need times of just sharing and listening to one another, but they also need to enjoy activities together such as: reading, working out, going to movies, traveling, etc. Sadly, many couples get married believing they have many activities they love doing together, but after the first year, they find that they really enjoy different things. While courting, the woman would watch sports with her boyfriend because she was just happy to be with him. However, soon after getting married, she would quickly decline watching the Sunday football game to do her own thing. While courting, the man would go to the mall with his girlfriend because he was just happy to be around her. However, in marriage, he promptly declines the Saturday excursion to instead stay home. It is not uncommon for early passion to blur the reality of the person one is going to marry, and couples should be aware of this.

Whether this happens or not, it is important for couples to find activities they enjoy together, to help maintain and increase intimacy. Christ went everywhere with his infant church, the disciples, and shared everything with them (cf. Matt 17:1, John 15:15). To protect our marriages and help them grow, it is wise to think about and plan for activities that can be enjoyed together as well as setting weekly or monthly dates to share these things. “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty” (Proverbs 21:5).

Of course, many times husbands and wives will simply not enjoy the same activities. This is normal. However, out of love for their spouse, they should participate in many of the activities their spouse enjoys. The wife should occasionally watch the football game, and the husband should occasionally watch the romantic comedy. Out of love, we should serve our mate, and one of the greatest ways to do this is by doing something he or she enjoys. This will enrich the friendship.

4. Couples should establish a weekly date night to cultivate their friendship.

In addition, a wise practice for couples is to establish a weekly date night. Choose a convenient night of the week to go out and do something special. Guard this night from the rigors of busyness, and when unforeseen circumstances do not allow it, always reschedule. Date night does not have to be expensive or even cost money; the most important aspect of it is spending uninterrupted time together.

One of the great realities of marriage is that it will take a lifetime to truly know your spouse since he or she is always growing and changing. Therefore, as a discipline, wisely plan to cultivate the intimacy of friendship in marriage.

Intimacy in Sex

Next, couples must cultivate intimacy through sex. God meant sex to be a powerful means of increasing intimacy in marriage. In fact, it has often been called the “litmus test” of marriage. Couples who are angry with one another will eat together, go to the movies together, and church together but most likely will not have sex together. Sex is a gauge for a couple’s intimacy and, also, how a couple increases it.

If a married couple finds themselves going weeks without sex, it may be a good time to evaluate the relationship. “Are my spouse and I alright?” “Am I meeting his/her needs?”

In considering sex, it is also important to consider Satan’s tactics in that area of marriage. While unmarried, his energy focuses on tempting couples towards premarital sex, but in marriage, his energy focuses on tempting them to not have sex. Young married couples will often find this a paradox since their passion was hard to contain before marriage. But in the marriage union, sexual intimacy tends to become dry and stagnant. Satan wants to hinder a married couple’s intimacy through a lack of sex. We will consider Satan’s work more later in this session.

For now, let’s consider God’s purposes for sex.

1. God’s purpose for sex is as a means of unity and intimacy in marriage.

Genesis 2:24 says: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” When the narrator said the man and woman become “one flesh,” he was referring directly to sex. This is supported by the fact that 1 Corinthian 6:16 says a man who has sex with a harlot becomes “one flesh” with her. The sexual act was meant to be a symbol of unity and intimacy in marriage and how a couple cultivated them.

In fact, sex was used to picture God’s intimacy and covenant with the nation of Israel. Ezekiel 16:8 says:

Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your nakedness. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine.

God took Israel as his wife, as a husband took his virgin wife to himself. God meant sex in marriage to symbolize the most intimate relationship in the world, our relationship with him. It is a powerful union. It is both a symbol of unity and intimacy and the means of how a married couple grows in them.

2. God’s purpose for sex is as a means of procreation.

As mentioned in session one, God desires for couples to birth and raise godly seed. Consider these verses:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground.
Genesis 1:27-38

Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
Malachi 2:15

3. God’s purpose for sex is as a means of enjoyment and pleasure.

Consider these verses:

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.
Proverbs 5:18-19

How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit. I said, “I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit.” May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine. May the wine go straight to my lover, flowing gently over lips and teeth. I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me. Come, my lover, let us go to the countryside, let us spend the night in the villages. Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom—there I will give you my love.
Song of Songs 7:6-12

Couples are meant to enjoy their spouse through sex. In a very real way, sex is a celebration of the relationship, a way to express pleasure in one another.

4. God’s purpose in sex is as a means of serving one’s spouse.

In 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, Paul said:

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Paul taught the wife must give her husband the right of ownership of her body, and the husband must do the same (v. 4). They should not withhold sex as a weapon to get their way or to punish their mate. Paul explicitly said to not “deprive each other” except temporarily by “mutual consent” for spiritual reasons (v. 5).

When I got married, I received counsel about sex from a godly man. He said when he first got married, he and his wife made an agreement. When angry or when one didn’t desire to have sex, one would still offer oneself to the other as Scripture teaches. He or she would say to the other, “I may not feel like it now, but if you will take me like this, I want to serve you.” Married couples must learn to view sex as a ministry to one another and commit to always be available to fulfill their mate’s need.

Sadly, sex in marriage is often about fulfilling one’s lust or reaching one’s own climax instead of serving. Consequently, a spouse can still feel used and/or unsatisfied sexually in marriage. However, this was never God’s plan. Philippians 2:3-4 says this:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

In sex, as with every relationship, nothing should be done out of selfish motivation but primarily to serve the interests of the other. In sex, the husband’s goal should be his wife’s pleasure, and the wife’s goal should be her husband’s pleasure.

How does this work when spouses have different libidos? In most marriages, one spouse desires sex more than the other. Because God’s plan for sex in marriage is for each spouse to seek the pleasure of the other, this means that one spouse will have sex more than desired, and the other will have less than desired. Each should continually seek to serve the interest of the other within the sexual relationship.

Obviously, no one should feel forced, but if a spouse is lacking desire to serve his/her mate, the spouse should pray and ask God for grace to serve. In fact, it is a wise practice for mates to continually pray to serve their mate better in the sexual union. By serving their mate, they are honoring God and his design for marriage.

Moreover, couples should minister to one another sexually with the understanding that there is grace available (cf. James 4:6, Gal 5:22-23, John 15:5). God desires to give couples grace to love, to serve, and to bless their sexual union because this is his will for marriage. Each couple should regularly petition God for his anointing over their union.

5. God’s purpose for sex is as a means of protection from sexual immorality and other temptations.

First Corinthians 7:1-2 says, “Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.”

Paul taught that marriage, and sex in marriage, was meant to protect couples from temptations towards sexual immorality. In fact, Paul added this:

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:5

When couples do not practice consistency in sex, it allows Satan to tempt them in various ways. In what ways does Satan tempt couples for lack of sexual consistency?

Of course, he tempts them sexually through lust, pornography, adultery, etc. But there are many other temptations, such as one or both mates feeling unloved, undesired, depressed, and/or insecure. I have found this very common for wives, especially after having children. When the sexual union is not consistent, they are tempted to feel unattractive and unloved. It becomes an open door for Satan to trample the woman in marriage. With the husband, when the sexual union is inconsistent, it seems he is more prone to be tempted sexually. This might be because the husband more commonly works outside the home around members of the opposite sex. It is wise for husbands and wives to view their sexual intimacy as a necessary protection from the evil one’s schemes.

As an example, I had one friend share that when he first got married, Satan focused his attacks on the bedroom. It became a tremendous source of insecurity, fears, and discord. Many couples would say the same thing. For this reason couples must practice faithfulness in this area and view it, not only as a way to enhance their marriage, but to guard their marriage. Some churches in recent years have developed marriage campaigns where couples commit to having sex every day for a week or a month as a spiritual discipline to increase the health of marriages. This may be over the top, but the principle behind it is very biblical.

Personally, I think it is wise for couples to establish a weekly plan to practice sexual intimacy. Satan will use busyness, tiredness, children, ministry, etc., to keep couples from the blessing of sex. Proverbs 21:5 says, “The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty.” Those who plan, plan to succeed, and those who do not plan, plan to fail.

Let me add a caution about when couples have children. The birth of children adds new challenges to a couple’s intimacy. The children stage is a tremendous blessing, but it will open more doors for Satan to attack sexual intimacy in marriage. Many times children become the focus of the marriage. In some cultures, the wife will often co-sleep with the child for years. In those scenarios, couples will have to be even more strategic. Satan is not going to stop attacking the marriage because of children. In fact, his attacks will probably increase. Therefore, Christians must be wise and strategic in how they protect the sexual union.

With all that said, what are some ways to enrich sex in marriage?

    • openly talk about it
    • set up dates for it
    • practice flirting throughout the day
    • pray about it
    • be creative
    • wisely read Christian literature about it

Christian literature can offer insights without being tasteless and irreverent. For instance, God made the woman’s body differently than the man’s. The woman’s body typically takes longer to arouse, and they are stirred more emotionally than men. In order for the husband to serve the woman, it will typically start long before entering the bedroom through touch, communication, and loving service.

In summary, sex is a celebration that God created to enrich marriage. It is where intimacy and unity are cultivated, where the miracle of procreation happens, and where pure joy is stimulated. However, it is also an area where Satan commonly attacks. Couples must guard it and cultivate it to grow in intimacy with one another.

Intimacy in the Spiritual

The final way of building intimacy is through cultivating spiritual intimacy. This may be the most neglected aspect of intimacy in marriages. People cultivate the mind and the body but often forget the spirit. Many couples in marriage, even marriages lasting over twenty years, commonly say to themselves, “There is something missing.” The spiritual aspect is often the missing link to a successful marriage.

One of the aspects that distinguish man and animal is the fact that God gave man a spirit to commune with him. It is the highest function of humanity, and when it is neglected, man, in one sense, resembles animals. They are driven simply by their basic instincts to feed, to have sex, to have security, and to have power. Mankind was meant to have a relationship with God. In the Genesis narrative, it continually shows how man walked and talked with God (cf. Gen 2:16-17, 5:24, 6:9, 13). When couples cultivate their spiritual life together, they greatly increase intimacy with one another.

What are some ways for couples to increase spiritual intimacy?

1. Couples should schedule times of seeking God through prayer and God’s Word as a family (cf. 1 Cor 7:5).

This could be done every night and/or morning, once or twice a week, or even at meal times. In general, couples should try to incorporate prayer and Scripture as much as possible, when starting the day, when driving, when eating, before going to church, before putting the children to sleep, etc. (cf. Deut 6:6-9).

2. Couples should worship with other Christians weekly.

This should be done by becoming a member of a Bible preaching church and participating in Sunday service, small groups, prayer meetings, etc. The Bible commands us to “not neglect” the gathering of one another together for the purpose of encouragement (Hebrews 10:25). With this, married couples will generally find it very enriching to develop spiritual connections with other Christian couples in the same stage of life and also with those who can help mentor them.

3. Couples should find ways of serving God and others together.

Hospitality should definitely be one avenue of serving. Hebrews 13:1-2 says: “Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it.” Couples should open their home to bless others. However, serving should not be limited to hospitality. God may call some couples to invest in ministry to teenagers, children, neighbors, the homeless, widows, etc.

How will you cultivate your spiritual life together in marriage? Certainly, couples should not neglect their own individual devotions, worship, and gifts, but in becoming “one flesh” in marriage (Gen 2:24), they should also cultivate their spiritual life together.

Conclusion

Intimacy is a very important part of marriage. God made man a tri-unity with a body, soul, and spirit (cf. 1 Thess 5:23, Heb 4:12), and each of these must be cultivated to develop intimacy in marriage. Couples do this by cultivating their friendship (soul), their sexuality (body), and their spirituality (spirit). Developing a plan to cultivate these three aspects of intimacy will greatly enrich one’s marriage.

How is God calling you to strategically develop intimacy in marriage?

Intimacy in Marriage Homework

Answer the questions, then discuss together.

1. What was new or stood out to you in this session? In what ways were you challenged or encouraged? Were there any points/thoughts that you did not agree with?

2. How would you describe intimacy and the importance of it in marriage?

3. Are there any known variables that you think could possibly detract from daily time alone with your spouse and intimate sharing (i.e. work, hobbies, personality, fear, etc.)? What intimacy killers do you and your mate have to be careful of? How will you navigate these to cultivate your friendship?

4. Write down seven activities you enjoy doing for fun. Write down seven activities your spouse enjoys doing for fun. What activities will you and your spouse do together? What activities are you willing to learn how to do or enjoy to further cultivate your friendship?

5. How will you cultivate a healthy sexual relationship to protect your marriage from the evil one’s temptations (cf. 1 Cor 7:5)? How will you keep your sex life from stagnation?

6. What will you do in marriage when you and/or your mate start to lose love for one another? Revelation 2:4-5 offers principles that can help protect and restore love in marriage. It says:

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love. Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lamp stand from its place.

The context of this verse is Jesus speaking to the church of Ephesus who had lost passion for him. The church was excelling in many things (v. 1-3): preaching, teaching, hating false doctrine, and righteousness, but they had lost the most important thing—their first love for Christ.

Love is the most important part of our relationship with God. That is why the greatest commandment is to love God with our whole heart, mind, and soul (Matt 22:36-37). Because the church of Ephesus had lost this, Christ promised to discipline them by taking away their lampstand—their light in the community, which would ultimately destroy the church.

Similarly, love is the most important part of marriage. Therefore, the counsel Christ gave this church can be applied to restoring love in marriage. Christ called for this church to restore their love by repenting (recognizing and turning away from sin) and doing what they did when they first started to love God (maybe extensive time in the Word and prayer, church fellowship, service, etc.). This type of response to a lack of love is also needed in marriage to maintain or restore intimacy.

What type of things did you originally do when you fell in love with your spouse? How can you continually cultivate these to keep your first love or restore it?

7. After completing this session, how do you feel God is calling you to pray for your marriage? Spend some time praying.

Continue to part 9, Closing Thoughts for Marriage Bible Study.

I invite you to pray with me:

Father, please lead my spouse and me to develop and maintain a biblical and intimate relationship with one another. Help us to connect spiritually, emotionally, and physically according to Your design for marriage. I pray this for Christian marriages broadly. Please bless our marriages so they can bring us joy as intended and help us to serve as a light to others to draw them to You. Let Christian marriage be set apart and holy and bring glory to Your name.  Amen. 

 Shalom

Devotion by John in service to Christ

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Marriage, Money / Finances / Wealth

Foundation 7: Financial Faithfulness in Marriage

This is part 7 of a 9-part series I am sharing from Bible.org (Link to Foundation 6: Raising Godly Children in Marriage).

Walking through this series with your spouse or future spouse will bring you closer together in understanding one another and God’s intent for marriage.

—Link to Bible.org: 7. Financial Faithfulness in Marriage | Bible.org

—Link to PDF: 7. Foundation Seven_ Financial Faithfulness In Marriage _ Bible.org

How can couples practice financial faithfulness in marriage? Many Christian couples give their tithe and offering to God but act like the rest is theirs. However, this is an incorrect use of finances. Psalm 24:1 says, “The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it.” Crucial to financial faithfulness is recognizing that God is the owner, and we are simply stewards who will one day give an account (cf. Lk 19:15, Matt 25:19-20). When God created the earth, his intention was for humanity to rule over it under his dominion. To use his resources as though they were ours alone will always lead to unfaithfulness. Because of this predominant mindset among married couples, there is a constant misuse of finances, leading to financial stress.

Financial stress is one of the top reasons for marital conflict and divorce. This was never God’s will. It was God’s will for finances to be a source of blessing and a door for his overflowing grace in each marriage (cf. 1 Cor 9:6-11). But to be faithful and reap the blessings of God, couples must understand and follow God’s plan for their finances.

How can couples practice financial faithfulness in marriage?

In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Use Their Wealth to Win Souls for Christ

In Luke 16, Christ taught a parable to his disciples about wealth, to help them be faithful with it. We will consider this parable and apply it to married couples. This is what Christ said in Luke 16:1-13:

“There was a rich man whose manager was accused of wasting his possessions. So he called him in and asked him, ‘What is this I hear about you? Give an account of your management, because you cannot be manager any longer.’ “The manager said to himself, ‘What shall I do now? My master is taking away my job. I’m not strong enough to dig, and I’m ashamed to beg— I know what I’ll do so that, when I lose my job here, people will welcome me into their houses.’ “So he called in each one of his master’s debtors. He asked the first, ‘How much do you owe my master?’ “‘Eight hundred gallons of olive oil,’ he replied. “The manager told him, ‘Take your bill, sit down quickly, and make it four hundred.’ “Then he asked the second, ‘And how much do you owe?’ “‘A thousand bushels of wheat,’ he replied. “He told him, ‘Take your bill and make it eight hundred.’ “The master commended the dishonest manager because he had acted shrewdly. For the people of this world are more shrewd in dealing with their own kind than are the people of the light. I tell you, use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings. “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own? “No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.”

Christ shared the story of an unjust steward who was misusing the master’s money and, therefore, was going to be fired. Because of this, the steward devised a plan to provide for himself when he lost his job. The steward approached his master’s debtors and gave them a discount, with the hope that they would provide for him when he lost his job. It almost appears as though Christ is praising this steward’s dishonesty, but he is not. He praises his “shrewdness”. This steward realized his future was uncertain and acted prudently to prepare for it.

Christ paralleled this with the Christian’s preparation for eternity. Essentially, he said, in the same way the world seeks to provide for their earthly future (through storing up for retirement, making business connections, etc.), Christians must use worldly wealth to “gain friends” who will welcome them into “eternal dwellings” (v. 9).

What does he mean by eternal dwellings? Obviously, he was referring to heaven. Christ understood that to reach people with the gospel, money is needed. For churches to run and reach people in their neighborhood, it takes money. To send missionaries to other countries with the gospel, it costs money. Ministry work costs money. In fact, the Bible teaches those who “preach the gospel should get their living from the gospel” (1 Cor 9:14), meaning our teachers, pastors, and missionaries should be compensated for their work.

But not only was Christ stressing the need for Christians to give money to spread the gospel, he also was giving insight into a faithful steward’s entrance into heaven. Christians who sacrificially give their money to advance the work of the gospel will be richly welcomed into heaven. People from other nations will surround them saying, “Through your support of this ministry, I accepted Christ and my family as well. Thank you.” It seems that in heaven people will have a profound knowledge of what others did for the kingdom (cf. Matt 5:19, Rev 6:9). This shouldn’t be a surprise, since those who do great things on earth are similarly honored. Days are named after them, streets, buildings, etc., and it seems to be similar in heaven. Those who generously give to advance the kingdom will be greatly welcomed and honored.

This should be the desire of every Christian couple. Christ commanded Christians to make friends in eternal dwellings by using their “worldly wealth” (v. 9). This is a calling that couples in developed nations can especially be fruitful in because of the amount of resources available to them.

With that said, Paul shared how the Macedonian churches, even though they were extremely poor, participated in this ministry as well. In 2 Corinthians 8:1-5, he said:

And now, brothers, we want you to know about the grace that God has given the Macedonian churches. Out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability. Entirely on their own, they urgently pleaded with us for the privilege of sharing in this service to the saints. And they did not do as we expected, but they gave themselves first to the Lord and then to us in keeping with God’s will.

Consider the Macedonian’s wonderful testimony. In order to encourage the Corinthians to give, Paul told them about the Macedonian churches and their extreme generosity. He first clarifies their generosity came from a special work of God’s grace (v. 1). God did a work within their hearts, which enabled them to give generously, even beyond their ability (v. 3). In fact, they pleaded with Paul for the privilege of helping struggling saints (v. 4). Isn’t that amazing? They pleaded for the opportunity to give, even though they were poor themselves, and in this passage, they are forever memorialized for their sacrificial gifts.

That is what God desires for couples in marriage. He desires for them to sacrificially give to advance the kingdom. However, this is only possible if they, likewise, first give themselves to the Lord (v. 5). If couples hold back their lives, their passions, and their goals from God, then they will also hold back their wallets. When we give ourselves to the Lord, we will start to look more like him, being transformed from glory to glory (2 Cor 3:18). It was God who so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son (John 3:16). This sacrificial lifestyle of giving should also be seen in his followers as they seek his approval in their stewardship.

The first principle couples must practice to be faithful with finances is to use their wealth to win souls for Christ and to build God’s kingdom. Let us read our Lord’s words again, “use worldly wealth to gain friends for yourselves, so that when it is gone, you will be welcomed into eternal dwellings” (v. 9).

In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Focus on God’s Reciprocal Blessings to Givers

After commanding his disciples to use their wealth to win souls, Christ gave them reasons why they should practice this. He says,

“Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own?
Luke 16:10

He essentially said that if the disciples were faithful with their money, God would richly reward them with “true riches” on earth and in heaven, but if they were unfaithful, he couldn’t trust them with more. We see this every day in our work world. A person starts working at a company with an entry level job. He works hard and is promoted by his manager. Good managers realize that those who are faithful with the small tasks will also be faithful with greater tasks. Therefore, they promote faithful workers and give them more responsibility. However, the unfaithful often lose responsibility and possibly their job. Similarly, God, our master, always watches how his children handle his money, and those who are faithful, he rewards with true riches.

What are the “true riches” God rewards his faithful stewards with? It probably refers, in part, to riches in heaven. In Matthew 6:19, Christ commanded Christians to store up riches in heaven that moth and rust cannot destroy. Similarly, in the Parable of the Minas, the faithful stewards received cities in the coming kingdom (Lk 19: 17, 19).

With that said, true riches refer to much more; it also refers to the discipleship of souls. Those who are faithful with money can be trusted with leading people, training them, caring for them, etc. This is part of the reason God requires elders to not love money and to run their own household well (1 Tim 3:3-4). Running one’s household well includes faithfulness with finances. If a person is unfaithful with finances, he will be an unfaithful steward of people. However, when one is faithful with finances, God can entrust him with discipleship opportunities.

Furthermore, true riches probably refer to understanding and teaching the Word of God. Those who are faithful stewards of money will be faithful stewards of God’s Word. And those who are not faithful will wrongly interpret and misuse Scripture.

Lastly, we gain more insight on “true riches” by considering Paul’s teaching about God’s promises to givers in 2 Corinthians 9:7-8. He says:

Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.

What other riches are bestowed upon those who faithfully give to populate the kingdom?

    • God promises to love those are who are cheerful givers (v. 7). One might ask, “Doesn’t God love everybody?” Certainly, but God only takes special pleasure in some (cf. James 2:23). He loves a cheerful giver—somebody who is happy to give. When we are liberal givers, we reflect God, which gives him great pleasure. This should be a motivation for couples.

God promises to give grace to meet all the needs of cheerful givers (v. 8). It says that God will make “all grace abound” so they have “all” they need. Many marriages struggle with lack simply because they are not faithful givers. In Malachi 2:8-9, God brings a curse on the Israelites as a consequence for robbing him in tithes and offerings. No doubt, many couples are similarly under a curse for robbing God.

    • God promises to give grace to abound in “every good work” to cheerful givers. When he says there will be grace for “every good work,” that includes much of what we have already considered. God will grace them with souls to shepherd and a growing understanding of Scripture. He will even give them grace to have a healthy marriage. Surely, marriage is a “good work” that God wants to lavishly pour his grace upon.

A couple who faithfully uses their little (money) to build God’s kingdom will receive much (true riches). Through proper use of finances, a couple opens the door to an overflowing amount of grace given by God to and through their marriage. This principle is the door to great spiritual riches, great grace, and approval from God over a couple’s stewardship.

In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Not Love Money

To be faithful with finances, couples must also not love money. The desire for wealth and success can pull people away from God and, therefore, pull marriages apart. After teaching his disciples about how to use their money, Christ warned them by saying this:

No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.
Luke 16:13

Christ wanted the disciples to be aware of the danger of loving money. Similarly, Paul warned his disciple Timothy. He said:

People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.
1 Timothy 6:9-10

Paul warned Timothy of the consequences of loving money. Many plunged themselves into ruin and destruction because of it. Some even wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with countless griefs. Certainly, this has happened to many marriages as well.

In order to be faithful stewards of God’s finances, couples must not love them. The apostle John said:

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world.
1 John 2:15-16

It is not that money or material possessions are necessarily bad in themselves. They are neutral; however, our hearts are bad. Our hearts are prone to ungodly cravings, lusts, and pride, which pull us away from God. And, when couples are pulled away from God, they will also be pulled away from one another.

It is good to think of marriage like a triangle. God is at the peak and the husband and wife are on opposite ends. The closer the husband and wife get towards God, the closer they will, by necessity, be with one another. But the farther they are away from God, the farther they will be from one another. Love for money and treasures have a tendency to pull couples away from God and from one another. Christ clearly said, “You cannot love both. You can only have one master.”

Unfortunately, many couples fail to heed this warning, leading to rotten fruits in their marriage. In many homes, the husband works long hours to provide a better living for the family. However, work keeps him from spending quality time with his wife and children, and it also keeps him from being involved in church. Slowly, money becomes his god, and it destroys his relationship with his family. Many times the wife shares the same lust for more. In order to have more or to maintain what they have, both mates work long hours and the children are neglected, creating bitterness, resentment, and anger in their hearts. For this reason, we are raising a generation of rebellious children who are apathetic towards spiritual things and disrespectful towards authority. The god of money is destroying the home and, therefore, society.

Why is this so common among families? It’s because riches have a tendency to deceive us. In the Parable of the Sower, Christ described the seed of the Word of God being sown into thorny ground. He said the worries of life and the “deceitfulness of wealth” choke the Word and make it unfruitful (Matt 13:22).

How do riches deceive people?

    1. Riches deceive people into thinking only more will satisfy. How much is enough? The answer always is, “Just a little more.” Therefore, people spend their lives trying to gain and find satisfaction in money and things, which only leave them unsatisfied.
    2. Riches deceive people by blinding them (cf. Matt 6:21-23) and distorting their values. People start to put career and securing wealth above God, family, and people. This is because they have been blinded by their greed. Many times this leads them to do anything to gain wealth including breaking the law and hurting people.
    3. Riches deceive people by promoting pride in those who possess it and insecurity in those who do not. The wealthy tend to exalt themselves and look disdainfully upon those who have less. In contrast, the poor often feel insecure and exalt the wealthy.

In order for couples to be faithful with their finances, they must not love money. Stress over money is one of the highest reasons for divorce because of its tendency to steal the hearts of one or both mates in marriage. Many in the church are really following money instead of God. Money dictates where to live, where to go to school, what job to take, where to go to church, who to marry or associate with, etc. We cannot serve two masters. The master, money, will destroy one’s relationship with God and therefore one’s marriage. The Master, God, will enhance and enrich both, if we allow him.

How can we tell if money is our master? We can tell by how we use our money. Christ said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (Matt 6:21). Where people put their money shows where their heart is. Faithfully investing money into the kingdom demonstrates a heart for God. But those who primarily invest their money into the things of this world reveal a worldly heart. Therefore, we can tell who our master is by looking at our bank statements.

What does your use of money say about your heart and your relationship with God? Do you love God? Or do you love money and the things of this world? Loving money and the things of this world will grow weeds in your relationship with God and your marriage.

In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Practice the Discipline of Simplicity

In addition to not loving money, couples must guard their hearts by practicing the discipline of simplicity. Because of our tendency to love treasures (cf. Matt 6:21), Christ commanded his followers to not store up riches on the earth. He said:

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.”
Matthew 6:19-20

To not store up treasures on earth is to practice the discipline of simplicity. How this is implemented will vary between each Christian. The disciples sold all in following Christ (cf. Lk 12:32), where others simply practiced moderation (cf. 1 Tim 6:17-19).

Now again, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with treasures, but there is something intrinsically wrong with our hearts. Therefore, Christ commanded Christians to not store up wealth, or anything that is a treasure, to protect our hearts.

What about saving? Does this mean that Christians should not save? Absolutely not. Scripture teaches us to save in order to meet our needs. Proverbs calls for us to consider the ant, how it stores up during the summer harvest for the winter (6:6-8). And so should Christians.

Then, what did Christ mean by the command to not store up treasures? What does it mean to practice the spiritual discipline of simplicity?

1. Simplicity means we should not trust in our wealth to provide for us (1 Tim 6:17). God is our provider. When Satan tempted Christ to turn stones into bread, he replied, “Man does not live by bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of God” (Matt 4:4). God is the one who commands the door to open for a job, a raise, a scholarship, housing, etc., in order to meet our daily needs. We must trust in him. Sadly, many couples are kept from doing God’s will simply because their trust, really, is in their finances, their job, or their retirement.

2. Simplicity means we should practice moderation in our time devoted to the treasures of this world. Paul said that we should use the things of this world but not be “engrossed” in them (1 Cor 7:31). Video games, social media, Internet, and other creature-comforts have a tendency to consume people’s hearts—creating distance in their relationship with God and their spouse. Moderation must be practiced.

3. Simplicity means we should practice moderation in our accumulation of wealth and the things of this world. We should consider this when purchasing clothes, electronics, cars, furniture, homes, etc. James rebuked the early church for disobedience to Christ’s command. He said the wealth they had stored up would testify against them in the last days. James 5:1-3 says this:

Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days.

4. Simplicity means we must, at times, rid ourselves of certain treasures. With the rich man, his love for riches was keeping him from being saved (Matt 19:21-23). Wealth was his god. Therefore, he was commanded to leave his riches and follow Christ. Similarly, couples may have to make hard decisions about money, hobbies, career, etc., to really protect their relationship with God and one another.

What are your treasures? These have the potential of creating distance in relationships with God and your spouse. Many wives lament that their husbands spend so much time working, watching sports, spending time on the Internet, or playing video games. Many husbands feel like the home, shopping, beauty products, etc., get more attention from their wives than they do. Wealth and treasures have their proper place (cf. 1 Tim 6:17). Each couple must pray about and discern what the discipline of simplicity will look like in their marriage.

Some couples may feel called to sell all they have so they can focus on the kingdom, as the disciples did (Lk 12:32-33). Others may feel called to give up certain treasures (Matt 19:21) or to simply practice moderation with everything (1 Cor 7:31). We must be careful to not judge others for their convictions in this area (cf. Matt 7:1-2). Christ has called all his disciples to not store up (Matt 6:19). How has God called you to implement the discipline of simplicity to protect your hearts in marriage?

In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Practice Living Debt-Free

The next principle couples must practice is staying debt-free. Romans 13:8 says, “Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law” (KJV). The NIV translates it, “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another.”

It is very interesting to consider the practical implications of this verse. Many people want to love others through giving liberally and serving radically but feel like they can’t because of debt. They have a house payment, car payments, college payments, credit card payments, etc., which keep them from paying their “continuing debt of loving one another.”

In order to liberally give and radically serve, couples must pay their debts and practice staying out of debt. This may call for significant life changes. For those still going to college or graduate school, this could mean going to a less expensive, and possibly less reputable, university to lower debt. It could mean being resourceful by finding ways to lower college debt through obtaining scholarships, working while in school, lengthening the time it takes to finish, living inexpensively, etc.

For others, staying out of debt could mean buying a used car and avoiding car payments. I heard a famous TV show host say one time, “I never purchase a new car! It drops thousands of dollars right after leaving the lot. I let somebody else buy it new, and then I buy it cheaper with low mileage.”

For others, it could mean renting instead of buying a home or not buying their “dream home”. It should be noted that though the norm in today’s society is to own a home, it might not be God’s will for you. Abraham never owned a home; he lived in tents though he was a rich man (Hebrews 11:9). It was also normal in Abraham’s time to own, but he chose not to because he saw himself as a pilgrim waiting for his heavenly home. Hebrews 11:9-10 says this about him:

By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.

Christ also did not own a home. It probably would have hindered his ability to minister. He once declared, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head” (Luke 9:58). It has been a common practice throughout the centuries for ministers to not own to be more available for God’s purposes.

Whenever a person is in debt, he is a slave to the lender (Prov 22:7), which comes with restrictions. However, Scripture commands us to only be slaves of God (cf. Matt 6:24) and to avoid being slaves of others (1 Cor 7:23). Debt will often deter your allegiance from God and keep you from paying your continuing debt of loving others (Rom 13:8).

How is God calling you to practice staying debt free?

In Order to Be Financially Faithful, Couples Must Practice Increasing Their Giving to God’s Work

The last principle couples must practice to be faithful with their finances is continually seeking to increase giving. Typically, when Christians get more money, they respond just like the world. They put their money into a bigger house, nicer car, new clothes, the newest phone and electronic gadgets, etc. However, Scripture teaches God blesses us so we can bless others (cf. 2 Cor 8:14-15, Gen 12:2) and that we should continually increase our giving. Listen to what Paul told the Corinthians about giving:

Now concerning the collection for the saints, as I have given order to the churches of Galatia, even so do ye. Upon the first day of the week let every one of you lay by him in store, as God hath prospered him, that there be no gatherings when I come.
1 Corinthians 16:1-2 KJV

Paul told the Corinthians to give as God “prospered” them or it can also be translated “in keeping with your income.” When God prospers a couple, they should increase their giving. In fact, Paul taught this same principle in 2 Corinthians 8:7, “But just as you excel in everything—in faith, in speech, in knowledge, in complete earnestness and in your love for us—see that you also excel in this grace of giving.” He said in the same way Christians continually seek to excel in godly virtues, they should continually seek to excel in the grace of giving.

When a couple gets married, it should be their goal to grow in their giving every year, if the Lord wills. They should periodically look at their finances and discern if the Lord is calling them to increase their offerings. With that said, unplanned events or a decrease in income may require a decrease in giving. But, in general, God’s desire is for couples to grow in giving.

Are you desiring and trying to consistently grow in your giving? What changes need to be made to give more?

Conclusion

God, our master, is returning, and when he does, there will be an accounting of our financial faithfulness. Have you been faithful stewards of the Lord’s money? If couples are going to be financially faithful, they must understand and follow God’s plan for their finances.

    1. In order to be financially faithful, couples must use their wealth to win souls for Christ.
    2. In order to be financially faithful, couples must focus on God’s reciprocal blessing to givers.
    3. In order to be financially faithful, couples must not love money.
    4. In order to be financially faithful, couples must practice the discipline of simplicity.
    5. In order to be financially faithful, couples must practice living debt-free.
    6. In order to be financially faithful, couples must practice increasing their giving to God’s work.

Financial Faithfulness in Marriage Homework

Answer the questions, then discuss together.

1. What was new or stood out to you in this session? In what ways were you challenged or encouraged? Were there any points/thoughts that you did not agree with?

2. Typically, in each marriage, there is a saver and a spender. Discerning this and talking about it beforehand may help protect your marriage from some bumps and bruises down the road.

How do you typically use your money? What do you spend it on? What percentage do you save? What percentage do you give to the Lord’s work? What about your mate?

3. Who would you consider the spender and the saver in the relationship? Do you have any concerns about your spending or saving habits? How could you improve your spending and saving?

4. Do you have any concerns about your spouse’s spending or saving habits? In what ways could your spouse improve his or her spending and saving?

5. What would you consider “treasures” that potentially could steal your heart away from God and your spouse? This could be anything that consumes your thoughts and time such as: relationships, Internet, school, clothes, movies, music, video games, money, work, success, etc. How do you feel God is calling you to be more disciplined in these areas? What about your mate?

6. Imagine that you were approached to help persecuted Christians in North Korea. Christians there are being raped, killed, and imprisoned every day.  Finances are needed to support underground missionaries to teach the Word, bring Bibles in the country, and to minister to the persecuted and oppressed. You have committed to helping this cause for the next five years in conjunction with faithfully giving to your church. What lifestyle changes can you make now to live more simply to give more? How can you and your mate be more economical?  Consider that both of you are working unless you know one partner will not be.

7. Consider the possibility that you and your spouse will have a baby within two years and you will have to live on one income. Could you live on one income? What could you do to cut down expenses in order to promote greater savings? Are you willing to live in an apartment instead of a house? Are there any long-standing debts that it might be prudent to pay off now? Are there trainings, schooling or other preparations that you should complete to be more economically stable in the future?

Consider that it is always good as a lifetime practice to budget as though you only had one income, not only for pregnancy, but sickness, loss of job, unforeseen problems, etc. Write down a plan to prepare to live on one income throughout marriage.

8. Consider the possibility of being a couple that always wants to increase their financial giving to kingdom work. A wise practice to consider with your giving is to begin by giving a tithe, and as God prospers you, increase it (cf. 1 Cor. 16:2, 2 Cor 8:7). Pray and ask God what percentage to start with in your giving and what percentage you want to reach by living simply over the next five years?

9. Proverbs 27:23-24 says, “Be sure you know the condition of your flocks, give careful attention to your herds; for riches do not endure forever, and a crown is not secure for all generations.” It is a good practice to always budget so you know the amount of money you have, where it is going, and your short-term and long-term goals for it. If you don’t always know the condition of your flocks, a great loss could cause unexpected stress on your family.

Make a sample budget taking into consideration that you are married and living either in an apartment or a house. Include such things as: tithe and offerings, savings, cell phone, rent or mortgage, gas, food, insurance, fun, etc.

10. How much will it cost to live comfortably, save, and generously give to the Lord? Are there any concerns and/or adjustments that might need to be made?

11. After completing this session, how do you feel God is calling you to pray for your marriage? Spend some time praying.

Continue with Foundation 8: Intimacy in Marriage.

I invite you to pray with me:

Father, lead and guide Your people who are called by Your name to have wisdom in regards to managing their finances well. Help us come together as married couples (and also those who are single) to look to Your word for wisdom in managing money. Let us not lean on cultural norms and the ways of men. Help us invest joyfully in Your kingdom. May our attitude and actions around finances serve as a light to others to lead them to You.  Let our families bring honor and glory to You and Your name as we are holy and set apart from the ways of men. Amen. 

 Shalom

Devotion by John in service to Christ

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